When I was four, I often dreamed about death. In it, I would witness someone close to me getting shot, and I would wake up crying and begging my dad to not leave me. 

On a daily basis, I would feel a sense of dread when the night came upon us, as if the end was near. When we went to the movies, I felt deeply every word of “the beginning of the end”. My surroundings would darken, the screen would brighten, and the sounds would boom, but I knew that two hours later we would walk out into the darkness of the night.

I was hyper aware of the oddity of my existence and how the world that I knew would cease to exist the moment I died. I was aware of all of this before I knew how to put it into words. I didn’t understand why I existed in this world, in this moment in time, in this body, in this state of being.

I guess I just wasn’t used to being alive yet.

As I’ve grown older, I’ve never fully shrugged away the hyper awareness of my existence. It becomes more pronounced when I find myself misplaced in a social setting. Why am I here? Why am I alive, in this body, in this moment in time? Yet at this age my mind is calmer, as if tamed by the experiences of aging.

I think back to when I was younger and I remember a mind that lived in fantasy land. Worlds I created with my imagination, because the real world was still foreign to me. My mind entered dimensions that are now inaccessible to me. I did not know I was stepping into them when I did, but that was the magic of being four and not knowing a whole lot about the world.

The older I get, the more defined by my past I become. I fear that this will only exacerbate as time goes on, leading my preconceived fears to determine my next step. So I must forget. With conscious effort, I must forget all that is confining me to who I believe I am, so I can be free to become who I want. 

Perhaps my desire to live a slow nomadic life is a wish to regain my chance to live unfettered by my past. The constant need to reinvent myself, as if my life depended on it, is a struggle to regain the innocent self I once was. I do not know what resolutionI intend to achieve with this pursuit, only that my identity insofar as I know, depends on it.

6 Comments

  1. Aldrin Fernandez Reply

    I was wondering when are you going to write another post and here it is. Don’t forget all of it, some memory might be useful reference in your future endeavour.

  2. Hi sister ! I am 17 year old girl from india. Today at 4pm my 12th grade result will come out and I am very afraid of it . Due to Corona, the exam could not be held, so the result will also come out from the marks of 11,10th. And I had low percentages in 11th. I was very scared but when your notification came ,then I felt a little better.When I turned on the notification and read the heading I was very inspired. Thank you so much for being with me always 😪❤️. Don’t ever think that you are alone. I am always with you.☺️( I know you no need because you are so brave💪🏻🤘🏻, but still )😬 😌 Toooo much love from your little sister 😚😘🤗. I always love youh 🙂.

    • Hi Mistyprose! I have been following your youtube channel for about a year now, and it has been really inspiring to me! This was the first blogpost I have read from you, and I immadiadly fell in love with theese. I just want to thank you! <3

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