I feel like I’ve been stuck in this in-between stage for a while now. For the latter half of 2021, actually.
I usually get unstuck by having a realization about myself that helps me feel okay with what I’m going through. This can come in the form of getting advice from others, or from reflecting about it over time. I’ve had some small realizations these past few weeks, and yesterday was one of them.
I’ve been watching this psychiatrist who streams his therapy sessions, and I stumbled upon a video where he explains why we are unhappy and having mid-life crisis earlier in life. It’s because our reality is different now. There’s an abundance of information that didn’t exist for prior generations, so comparing our trajectories to theirs doesn’t make sense. Our life is no longer composed of our immediate surroundings, but from an online network encompassing unlimited number of communities. Also, we’re biologically programmed for survival, not happiness.
The answer is obvious, but sometimes you just need someone to spell it out. He himself went through a years-long early life crisis (dropped out of college, of becoming a monk, of Harvard—to become a Twitch streamer), which forced him to solidify who he was. As someone who isn’t ready to attend therapy, watching his therapy sessions and relating them to my own life was like finding a gold mine. I’ve always been interested in psychology (hello, psych major), so hearing him synthesize ideas into digestible anecdotes was just what I needed.
It feels like it was just 6 years ago (wtf) when I had just started this blog, trying to my find my voice. In some ways, I have. But in others, I feel even more jaded by my past. I seem to keep storing the negative experiences in the front row of my mental library, readily accessible for when I want to make myself miserable.
I think the whole point of me journaling is to use my logical, present mind to revisit and tend to the emotional, teenage mind that still lives within me. I obviously have a lot of unresolved emotions that cause me to be fear-driven today. Understanding that my turmoil may come from uncared for experienced is great; not because it’s the solution to my problems, but because it’s a way to start dissociating from my past self.