Some days, I just don’t feel like doing anything. It probably happens more than I would like to admit. It can hit me all day, or sometimes just for a little while. It comes and goes, and it’s dreadful when it shows up during times when I need myself the most.

This is an old pattern that has repeated itself for a few cycles now, and something that I noticed is that it tends to happen towards the end of something. The end of a semester, a program, a period. Instead of giving my last push, I find myself giving up before I see the crossing line. If I were to take a guess, I think it’s because all the novelty of my surroundings have worn off. I have gotten used to my regular class schedule, the voices of my professors and the presence of my peers, the work I’m assigned for each class. It’s that feeling of going home after a long day, changing into your pajamas and throwing yourself onto your couch, unwatched and unsupervised – except that this feeling just keeps spreading to your daily life.

You would think that knowing this, knowing that comfort is what leaves me feeling unmotivated to work, I would find it easy to get myself up and go somewhere new. Work in a cafe, study in the library, anywhere but home. But as the weeks go by, I grow closer and needier of home. I rush home after school, anticipating the comforts of my bed. My room beckons me more and more, and after a while, I stop resisting it. I tell myself that I deserve it, that I worked hard for most of the semester, and that it’s okay. But really, I’ve given up.

The one thing that has prevented me from falling deeper into this hole is when I finally reach the end of the semester, and I leave this place for some time. I might go back home to my parents or travel, anything but stay in the same physical place. And it works.

Physically pulling myself away from this place throws me into a world of novelty once again, even if I’m not doing much. I have to readjust to the new schedule, maybe a new weather, and – most importantly – I’m with my parents, my security base. There’s something healing about being with my parents that I’ve only gotten to feel after being away in college for more than two years, and it’s something that I cherish. 

Then, when I’m back in college, I start the game with a strong mentality, whispering to myself, you got this. And for the first few weeks, I do. I’m on my A game, feeling the most productive, albeit tense, I’ve been in a while. Then that feeling starts to creep up to me again. I fight it, I really do. Sometimes I win, sometimes it does. 

So, what now?

I have just ended a semester in college, and am spending winter break with my family. I’ll be able to rest, eat well, and simply reset my system once again. But I’ll also do something different this time. I’ll have a plan for next semester. I’ll make a plan that I won’t be able to refuse when that time of the semester comes again, and hope that it works.

-Michelle