I want to start over. Move to a new town. Make new friends and acquaintances. Live in a new home. Not necessarily have a new job, though (that is, if I work remotely).
I love that refreshing feeling of being new to a place, when every face you see is unfamiliar and getting lost is inevitable. It’s something that’s completely out of my comfort zone, yet I also crave that inevitable stage of discomfort, knowing that it’s temporary. After a while, I’ll find a hiking spot, stop getting lost (as much), and settle into a routine. I’ll cherish this stage of comfort – and start over again. I want to relive this stage of discomfort over and over again. I find it necessary to go through different transitional stages in life in order to grow.
This ‘transitional stage’ does not need to be so big. I don’t need to move to an entirely new country, nor do I need to move at all. But I do need to step out of my comfort zone every once in a while, and most often this means physically living the home that has become my haven of comfort.
Another, more insecure, part of me craves moving to an entirely new place every few years because I’m somewhat afraid of seeing familiar faces in the places I frequent. I hate running into people I know at the market a few blocks from my place, at that new restaurant that I wanted to try out, or even walking around town. I hate running into people, especially when I’m not in a good state of mind and all I want to do is hide from everyone. Even when I’m doing ok, I fear running into people as much as I hated answering the phone as a kid (I’m pretty sure I had a phobia for phones as a kid). I hate being recognized by someone I took a class with, bumping into an old acquaintance, and having to make small talk. Sometimes it’s no big deal, but other times it can be awkward and preferably avoidable.
I know this trait is unhealthy and implies underlying insecurities, but as of now, I don’t have a solution for it. And this part of me screams at me to run away, to leave when they still have a good impression of me. I guess it also comes from my constant conflict of wanting to befriend people at times, yet not wanting to see them at other times. Sometimes at the same time. Thus, I want to be a stranger in a new town. But I can’t be a stranger to everyone forever, so I have to move.