In my search for a new place, I found myself obsessing over the smallest details. Too ugly. Ceramic floors. Outdated furniture. Not enough sunlight. Too ugly. Just totally, stubbornly obsessing over the things that wouldn’t bother me in an item I purchase.

Almost 2 years ago ago, when I left my college home to escape covid, I had to come to terms with leaving my stuff behind. A whole bunch of sentimental items I collected over the years, donated and dumped. The move was a catalyst to my minimalist journey. It’s been 2 years of living in furnished, temporary homes that would allow me to not attach myself to things, and I’m feeling confused.

I regularly discard the things I no longer use to make room for the things that fit better into my life. Yet as I’m finding myself moving into the 5th place in less than 2 years, I feel all but settled. Yes, it’s exciting. It’s a new place, a new chance for new beginnings. A new neighborhood to explore, a new home. But on the other hand, it’s not my home. It’s not my apartment, not my room, not my kitchen not my couch, not my nothing. Even the things I do own, they’re not really mine.

I pretend to adopt a minimalist lifestyle, yet I am deeply attached with the idea of finding the perfect environment for myself, without committing to the time or effort that is typically required. I’m stuck in a contradiction I created for myself. If I want the former, I need to embrace the imperfections and instability of my surroundings. If I want the latter, I need to forsake the ability to just pick up and move.

I want both, and that’s the story of my life.

3 Comments

  1. I was just listening to an Alan Watts lecture where talks about this feeling almost exactly! It’s called “Why You Shouldn’t Be Afraid At All.” It’s about breaking everything down to binary, white or black, yin and yang. One defines the other and for one to win the other has to lose. That conflict and contradiction gives great meaning because if we always won or always lost, the game wouldn’t be worth playing.

  2. So thats how the story of your life goes…
    Stuck between your needs and wants.
    Me either.

  3. I think , it’s important to highlight the underlying issue which is a common theme across a lot of causes of human suffering. That is the human mind always want the best of both worlds which in reality translates to wanting things to be perfect, I have a situation where I want the best of 2 decisions but that’s currently not possible at least the technology for it hasn’t been developed yet. But one thing that I found helpful is accentuating what’s the pros of the choices we make, the option that you like 51 percent and realizing you did the best you could. The rest is beyond our control, no matter how hard you try, you couldn’t picked a better option. So it’s not your fault then. That’s something I learned from stoicism, I hope that helps even just a little bit.

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