As I think about my plans for this year, my mind keeps asking me: What do you want?

A year ago, I had just graduated from college. I had already been away from the college environment and working full-time for a few months, so this marker was just a formality. I spent most of my time working from home, carving out time to read Chinese, figure skate, read, journal, among other hobbies. I moved into another place where I now live with my needy cat. Most recently, I lost my job.

It’s been just a minute, and I’m feeling the career burnout that I expected to feel in my 30s. When I see myself in five years, I imagine the languages I would have learned, the places I would have lived, and the skills I would have garnered. I imagine my career as a set of life experiences that contribute to my overall growth, but it is never the shining star. I am even more sure of this given my (albeit limited) “experience” in the real world.

I wish I were going into this year filled with the hope and ambition I used to have, but as of now, I’m a bit drained on that front. I know what my personal goals are, but they seem pointless when I feel like I’m back to square one with my career. The thing is, I firmly believed I had carved out the perfect and only career path I saw for myself. So how am I supposed to come to terms that it’s not what I see myself doing, years from now?

Then again, I’m not having a good day today. My fears are amplified by a recent string of uncertainties, creating a feeling of unease that I just can’t shake off. It’s January and the weather is chilly; I’ll take a walk outside.